It's amazing what we can uncover and reveal about ourselves through art when we do it from and intuitive place, free from fear of making mistakes and needing to have a completed work of art. Just opening up and allowing what is there to pour itself onto the page is what I am learning in this painting class called BIG.
Not only is it BIG but it can be a bit scary too...but in a good way. What I mean is that it can be scary to dive deep into ourselves where the not so shiny bits hide out. Deep down below the smiles and the friendly persona that we have. The good part is that when we allow ourselves to go there we heal a little part of who we are...who we are afraid we really are. It's like peeling an onion and every journey down deep peels another layer off that cleanses our soul and gets us closer to who we truly are at the core.
This day of painting began with the intention of painting a memory of a time in my life when I loved to dress up as a gypsy. I wanted the painting to be free and light and fun and you can see the beginning of it above.
While I was painting a song came on the radio that brought back another memory, a time when I was unhappy in my first marriage. I felt unloved and unimportant and it all came back in that moment standing there before my paper with brush in hand.
I dipped the paintbrush into the white and began to paint over the face. I wanted to get a good base to start laying down color but as I covered it I heard the words, "You were a ghost." I knew it was true and that truth was staring back at me from my paper.
I continued to just listen and let the painting emerge and when I was finished I was flabergasted that I had created something so dark and sad. I didn't want to share it with anyone, I wanted to keep it to myself. I was embarrased.
As I thought about it over the weekend and talked to my good friend Carrie about it today I realized that I have nothing to be embarrased about. That this is a part of who I am. I have been through a lot in my life and not all of it is happy and shiny. I would be lying to myself and the world if I tried to cover up the darker parts. And by letting it out I've been able to heal it. It was like a bit of closure for that time in my life. In fact I created another painting after that to seal the energy and finish the healing process.
So here I am. All the parts of me. The good, the bad, and the ugly.