Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I'm Not Good Enough!

I was on one of my bi-weekly buddy calls with my amazing friend Carrie and we were talking about this visualization we had done where we were introduced to the part of ourselves called I'm Not Good Enough.

During that visualization I saw a long, skinny little girl that was all blue with big sad eyes. She was hiding under a table in the dark. I asked her what her name was and she said Sophia.

When I talked to her I discovered that she needed to be heard, she needed to be acknowledged. Even after the visualization I never went any deeper with this...still not giving her a voice I guess.

When I hung up the phone I immediately got my journal out and started drawing her as I had seen her in my visualization, hiding under the table. When I finished the drawing I began writing.

I had a little conversation with her to discover more about why she is here, why she is holding me back and I discovered that there is a safety factor. She keeps me safe. I let her rant and ramble about all the ways she isn't good enough, all the ways she sucks at life. I wrote back and forth, asking her questions. It was a fast, free writing and the final sentences I wrote to her were, "The light is here for you. It is yours to own. Let yourself out of the dark and allow yourself to bask in the warmth and the joy of the light."

That last bit of writing inspired me and I went on to create another journal page that represented this. I switched the energy and let Sophia into the light. It was fast and furious creating, I just let it flow.

After creating the image I did some positive free writing that was so inspirational to me. I encouraged her to remember that the light is always here and that it is only when we hide from it as she was, under the table, that we are cut off from it. I talked to her about fear and what a lie it is...that there is really nothing to fear. I told her that she deserves love and nurturing and that I was going to give it to her.

Now of course Sophia has been with me a long time and doing this exercise has shifted the way I think about this "negative" part of who I am. By giving her a name and having a conversation with her like she is a small child, I am not compelled to try to get rid of her. Instead of trying to kill her off, I am compelled to give her the voice she is asking for and to listen to her when she is feeling that uneasy feeling.

So the next time she was getting antsy I created this image and once again began writing. I wrote in black pen all the things she has to say...All the negative stuff, her deep dark unhappiness.

She spoke of spending her life hiding deep below the surface with no one to talk to, feeling lonely. She spoke of fear and of being stuck. She begged to be heard, to be loved and embraced.

Then I switched to a white gel pen and wrote back to her. I told her how much I appreciated her for keeping me safe and that I felt stronger now and that she could release the need to protect me. I asked her to join me and create a team because together we could be amazing.

I am sure little Sophia will have a lot more to say and I will be here to listen to her and to give her support. We have joined forces to move forward out of the darkness and into the light.

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