Monday, April 2, 2012
I had my first baby at 22. I wasn't a babysitter and didn't have any younger siblings so I didn't really know what I was doing with him. To compound matters, he was a colicky baby and cried and cried for what seemed like ages. In reality it was about 3 months.
At that time I got pregnant again. I was feeling really confident about it though. Over the last 3 months I had figured it all out. I knew just how to hold a baby, I knew what they liked, what they didn't like. I felt like I had learned it all and the next one would be a breeze.
I'm sure all you moms out there are laughing right now and know the end of the story. My second son didn't like anything the first one did. I had to start all over and learn everything again. Feeling like I had arrived as a parent didn't make it true.
I feel like this is a theme that runs through my life. I have this feeling that I want to "get it" I want to be done with learning or be done with healing. I want it to be like switching on a light...Yes, I'm healed. Yes, I'm perfect and will no longer struggle to be a better person.
Well, I keep learning over and over that there really is no there there. There is no final destination that I'm suddenly going to arrive at. There is no point when I'm going to say, Phew, I'm healed.
Instead there is only a series of steps forward and steps backward. Hopefully with more forward steps that move me closer to feeling whole. There are daily tests that help me see how far I've come and how far I still have to go.
I've been noticing that I have gotten really good at reflecting on my thoughts and what is underlying them. I've been able to see the games my thinking mind plays with me and the triggers that pop up seemingly out of nowhere. I'm typically unable to catch these things in the moment but it is becoming easier and easier to do it after the fact and I suspect that soon I will find myself naturally having moments of clarity in the moment which will lead to tiny gaps in time where I will be able to choose not to act out of habit.
When that happens (and I know it will), I know it won't be the final stage in my growth. I don't know what I will need to learn or how I will need to evolve but I know there will be something new for me to work on.
Life is definitely a journey with a series of destinations to visit for a while. We don't move in and stay though. We keep on working toward the next destination. It definitely makes it interesting doesn't it?