Redefining Responsiblity

I decided to add a page to my Smash Journal about my word for the year. There isn't much on it just yet as we are only in the second month of the year but I am intending on adding to it throughout the year.

I wrote: Taking ownership of your life. Getting done necessary things so you have time to enjoy life. Balance. Letting others be responsible for their lives.

The truth about this choice of words is that I need to redefine what the word means to me. I think I have some skewed ideas about responsibility that include negative beliefs on both ends of the spectrum.

On one hand I shirk responsibility because it is boring and confining...who wants to be a slave to responsibility? Additionally there seems to be this idea that if I am not responsible, nothing can be my fault...I am at the whim of others and live my life in reactionary mode. It is a bit of victim mentality that can only hold me back.

On the other hand I think there has become a murky line between responsibility and control for me. This really applies to my relationship with my children. If I'm "responsible" I am in control and if I am in control, everything is my responsibility. It's funny because this end of the spectrum is also tied to the whole victim thing. Poor me, I have to be responsible for EVERYTHING!

It is amazing to me how I can have beliefs that are so completely in opposition to each other and yet are so perfectly tied together. Our subconscious is an amazing thing don't ya think?

I love how things unfold when you focus on a word of the year. You never know what you're going to learn or how it will be revealed. I look forward to filling this page with all kinds of wonderful insights.

How are things going with your word of the year?

Lessons at the Art Festival

A beautiful painting displayed at the Fort Myers Art Fest

For years I shut down my creative side. I decided to be a mom and to put my kids first and do everything for them and be everything for them. As I'm sure you know, I have 5 boys and a husband who all play sports. They have pretty much tried them all. When they aren't playing sports we are talking about sports or watching sports. It's a big sports household.

There never seemed to be enough room for my interests...OK, that's wrong...I never made it a priority so therefore there wasn't enough time for it. For the most part my kids didn't even know how much I loved art. It's really strange the things we do.

When I decided to go back to the thing I loved I began sharing it with my kids and I was pleasantly surprised that they were open to it. They enjoyed looking at art, talking about it and creating it. My youngest son Aidan really jumped on board. He decided that he was an artist and started drawing like crazy.

Exploring the techniques used in the paintings was great fun with the kids.

So this year when we went on our vacation I noticed that there was an art show going on and I decided that I wanted to go and I wanted to bring the kids too. This may seem like the obvious thing to do as a family but you have to understand that in the past my husband may have come along with me and we would have left the kids home thinking they would be bored and uninterested. In fact, I had to tell my husband twice that yes, I wanted the kids to come.

It was a BIG show. There were tents as far as the eye could see and then there were more around the corner. My dad and step mom joined us too. It was hot and holy cow was it crowded. I immediately got uptight. My internal voice started going off, "Oh my gosh, they are going to hate this. They are going to get bored. It's going to take too long. I'm the only one who likes this and I'm going to make everyone suffer."

This is something I do to myself so even when people are doing things for me I have so much inner chatter that I don't allow myself to enjoy it. I rush through, I think about everyone but myself and I leave feeling very unfulfilled. Well not this time!

Professional chalk painters creating works of art on the street

I caught myself and I said, "NO! Not today! I am going to enjoy this for me!" I set off and my sons were right there with me. We stopped in all the booths that drew our attention. We looked at the brush strokes, the techniques, the use of color and the innovative creations these artists were sharing with us.

I was surprised at how into it my son Aidan was. He wanted to stop at every booth and look through the bins of prints. He spent more time in some of them then even I wanted to. I watched as his brow crinkled while he was in serious thought analyzing the art. I watched him take pictures of the things that inspired him and I introduced him to some of the artists so he could learn how they made their creations.

The funniest thing was having him look at the prices. There was no real sticker shock for him. He saw a small glass paperweight that cost $40 and he said, "$40? That's not very much for this." Ha, here I was thinking $40? Too much! I love the innocence and love he brought to art fest.

A beautiful work of art that will be gone in a few hours.

I am proud of the fact that I have embraced who I truly am and shared that with my children because I think it is making them better. They are being exposed to parts of the world that can make them richer, more whole people. It is giving them the opportunity to know all the parts of who they are and uncover talents they may not have known they have.

It's funny, my son came home from school one day and said he stood up and shared that his favorite thing to do was to draw. He said one of the little girls said he couldn't be an artist because he was a wrestler. I explained to him that a lot of people have beliefs that if you are smart you can't be athletic or if you are athletic you can't be artistic. I told him that it's all a lie. That he can be anything he wants to be and that the cool thing is he is good at all of it so he could be any combination he wanted.

Having a little fun decorating piggy banks

Do you think he would have had the opportunity to learn this lesson if his mom was hiding away, afraid to be who she is? Do you think he would know anything about the arts or the joy he experiences if his mom hadn't shared her passion and encouraged him to explore? Maybe, but more likely not.

It's sad to say that my older children didn't get that mom. They got the mom who didn't know who she was, who didn't embrace her passion, and didn't share her love and dreams with them. Are they wonderful? Yes! Might they have turned out differently? Definitely! But I take solace in the fact that they are getting to watch me bloom now with adult eyes and I feel like they are still able to learn lessons from it.

I was watching Anerican Idol last night and there was a woman who made it to Hollywood and she asked Jennifer Lopez for advice because for years people were telling her that she couldn't do it because she had kids. Jennifer told her in no uncertain terms that she could do it and she could always make it work and that her kids would be better for it.

THE KIDS WILL BE BETTER FOR IT!

To all you moms out there, let that sink in. Following your dreams and passions does not make you a selfish mom. It makes you a mom that is an inspiration to her kids. It makes your children learn how to believe in their dreams and follow their passions and isn't that what we want most of all for our children?

Dream on my friends!

Child-like Confidence

Once upon a time there was a young girl named Michelle. She was beautiful, smart, funny and brave. She thought she was the bee’s knees and could do anything in the world she wanted to do. She loved to draw and would create masterpieces everywhere she went and then she would hand them out to anyone and everyone. She loved animals and thought she might be a veterinarian of course if she didn’t become an artist or an art teacher.

Over the years as Michelle grew up, slowly but surely her confidence started to chip away. What she once knew she could do she started to doubt and then eventually she just knew that she couldn’t quite do anything right. It didn’t matter that everyone told her she was talented, smart, and capable. She only knew that she wasn’t really that great of an artist. She could never be smart enough to be a veterinarian and let’s face it, she didn’t have the guts to deal with death and injury to those poor little animals. She figured she could still be a teacher but not an art teacher because everyone knows that they only need one of those per school and she would never be good enough to be that one teacher who won the job. Her dreams fell away.

As she got older and older she kept trying new ventures, trying to find something that would make her as happy as she was when she was a carefree child but nothing seemed to work. She felt lost, worthless, and every bit of a failure. She embarked on a journey of healing for herself and she cleansed out years of negative thinking. She washed away the pain and began to fill herself up with positive thoughts and spent time remembering that small child who had the world at her feet.

Even as she continued to heal she was brought back to fear and doubt time after time as if she was being tested. Sometimes she would pass the tests with flying colors and other times she would squeak by with a passing grade. But she began to notice that no matter how difficult the tests were, she always seemed to pass and things started looking brighter.

One day she had this great idea for a new project but she just felt that she didn’t know enough to bring it to fruition by herself and she just KNEW she wasn’t a business woman! She could never do all that business stuff! So she started thinking of the perfect person to partner with and lo and behold she found her. Her friend was the yin to her yang and brought a wonderful balance to project.

They started getting together and having conference calls to work through the business plan and figure out the structure and poor Michelle thought she might die. She knew her brain wasn’t set up to do these things and she was tested with fear and doubt once again.

And then something strange happened one night on a call. It was as if she had an out of body experience and she was listening to the words that were coming out of her mouth as she spoke about the vision, the liability and the structure. She found herself thinking, “Who is that woman saying all those intelligent things? Wow, she really sounds like she knows what she is talking about! There is strength in those words and a confident intelligence. HOLY CRAP! THAT’S ME TALKING!!! I might just actually know what I am talking about! I might be as good of a partner to my partner as she is to me. I actually have something to contribute! I think I can do this.”

In that moment she seemed to be transported back to that little girl she knew so many years ago. She felt herself in that perfect little body, with her big smile and fearless attitude and she once again believed in herself.

Believe in...

I spent the week with my students. 28 of the most amazing women from all walks of life, from all parts of the world. It was a great week and while on one hand I am a bit tired, I am also a bit wired.

You see, for me coaching people has so many levels of satisfaction.

• I love the fact that I am helping someone make changes in their lives that are going to improve the quality of life for them and their families. Some of these changes are really big and others are teeny tiny but I know that they will all have an impact.
• I love to hear the excitement in their voice when something clicks or as Oprah would say, their Aha Moment.
• I love to note the change in their attitude from the beginning of the call to the end of the call.
• I love it when I give them a suggestion and I know it resonates and they get all excited to go try it.
• I love feeling like I'm making friends all over the world with some of the coolest women around.
• I love how they mirror for me what I need to remember for myself.
• I love that giving them advice and encouragement gives it right back to me.
• I love that I am helping these women go out and change the world! That's a big ripple effect.
• I love that I can stay home in my cozy and warm home and touch lives across the globe.
• I love that I can doodle and paint throughout the day.
  

The above painting was created in between calls and finished up at the end of the day. I had created the doodles and decided to leave a space for a word, I didn't know what that word would be.

I think believe started whispering in my ear as an affirmation that it is time to believe in myself.

• To believe that I am good enough.
• To believe that I can help people.
• To believe I have something to offer.
  
• To believe that what I am doing, even when I feel like I don't know what the heck that is, is perfect for where I am right now.
• To believe that I can have abundance...no, that I am abundant right now!
  
• To believe in my own abilities.
• To believe in my talents.
  
• To believe that everything that has happened in my life, good or bad, has served me well and gotten me to this point in my life.
  
• To believe that my life is mine to live and that I can create it any way I see fit.
  
• To believe I have everything I need right now.
  
• To believe that I am on the right path.
• To believe, to believe, to believe...in myself!

And because I believe so strongly that if you are reading this, I am acting as a mirror for you. I invite you to check in with your beliefs and see if they are serving you. What positive, empowering beliefs can you incorporate into your life so that you can begin to live your life from a place of confidence and self love?

I am Beginning...

We've all heard about positive affirmations and the power they can have. Some people believe it, others do not. I believe that everything we do, think, and say is energy that goes out into the universe so why not send out the best?

The thing is, sometimes it's just not that easy. I have this idea about truth and honesty. I know it most situations in life it serves me well. It is not, however, so great when it holds me back from making the changes I desire.

You may be confused about what I am talking about here so let me explain. Let' say I want to become more organized in my home. The suggestion for a positive affirmation my be something like, "I am organized."

Well, that's all fine and dandy, but...I am not organized so it feels like a lie when I speak it or think it. I know people will say, "Yes, you need to keep saying it until it becomes a reality." I get it, I do. Still, it just doesn't seem right to me.

But with the addition of just three little words it completely shifts the energy for me and makes it feel right. "I am beginning to be more organized." Ah yes. That is true. I can work with that. It gives me that positive energy without feeling like a lie.

So if you are struggling with those positive affirmations like I have, try adding those three words and see if makes a difference for you.

In a Funk!

Oh how I love a funk! No matter how much work I do, how much I grow, or how great I can be at helping others overcome their struggles, I still manage to get myself in these funks. It can be so frustrating because I know I am in it and I want so desperately to get out of it quickly but nothing I do seems to speed the process along.

One of the ways I thought I would work through this is to take part in this free online art class that Tam is offering called The Heart of Art. It's a great program she has there and I've learned so much from her. I created the whimsy character above after watching the week 2 videos.

I have to admit however, that it actually made me feel worse. I finished it up and looked at it and thought, "Oh great, another copy. I'm such a fraud. I can copy everything but I'm not original enough to create my own style." Hmmm, not so great for getting me out of my slump.

Then I went on the Internet and started surfing around for how to overcome fear of success which I was lucky enough to uncover about myself by reading Oprah's magazine. OK, that's what started this whole funk if you must know. I was brought face to face with the fact that I continue to sabotage my efforts at success over and over and over again and let me tell you I am sick to death of it!

Anyway, I found this great article about it and I worked through the exercises and learned some good things about myself and was reminded about things I already knew. I took my negative beliefs and flipped them around and turned them into empowering beliefs. I took those and created the above page in my journal.

It was nice but I still felt like crap!

So I've had this book, Painting from the Source: Awakening the Artist's Soul in Everyone, for a while now and I finally started reading it. It's a different take on painting. There is no music, there is no outside input. You start painting with no subject matter in mind and you let the painting emerge. You embrace everything that comes up even the dark stuff that I usually avoid like the plague.

I decided that now was a perfect time to give it a try. I was feeling really down and out at this point and my colors of choice were a good indication of that. I had several shades of what I consider to be ugly green, brown, mustard and black.

I started smearing the paint on the paper, making circles, blobbing it all over. I felt myself getting angry as I painted, and I let it come. The paper was turning ugly and I remembered one of the things I read in this book which was to paint as if you were going to burn it when you finished. Well, I took that to heart and I painted and painted and it got uglier and uglier. I kept saying, "I'm going to burn this piece of sh*t so I might as well make it as ugly as hell!"

At one point I stepped back and I saw an outline of a face and I started creating it. As I worked on it I had a moment where the idea to make the nose a tree just popped into my head and I went with it. The eyes needed to have flames shooting out and the lips were water and fish. I just kept painting what naturally arose.

I know it's not finished. I can sense that there needs to be more. I will not stop painting this image until it is complete. I don't know how long it will take me or how big it will end up being but I know it will continue and I can feel that it is stirring up something in me. I feel different today. I woke up this morning, unable to sleep. I was thinking about my painting. It was calling to me like the trees called to me last week. I can feel a breakthrough happening, I just don't know what it is or how it will unfold. It's a little scary but I know it's right. I have to trust.

Money is...?

Good question isn't it?

Money can be a loaded subject. People who have a lot of it either like to flaunt it or keep it to themselves. People who don't have either like to pretend they have enough or complain they need more.

Money can buy all sorts of things. It can give you power or make you a victim. It can give you freedom or keep you trapped. It can be a source of generosity or stinginess. It can be used to help people or to control them.

We all have different ideas about money, different beliefs about it. I've been exploring my beliefs and trying to uncover the reasons behind my inability to make money. I've learned so much about myself, my fears, my goals and my dreams.

Today I did a belief change which is a process that brings you back to the time in your life when you a adopt a belief. Once you uncover the limiting belief that is holding you back you can release it and replace it with a new, healthy belief. It was quite powerful. When I finished I wanted to seal it with a painting. A creative expression of my relationship with money.