Month of Hearts Day 18

Wow what a day I've had. HUGE REVELATIONS going on over here!

Let me start off by telling you about my oldest son. He is a strong 18 year old now but back in middle school he was struggling with some bullies. I did the usual things a mom does to try to help but it got to a point where I was frustrated. That's when I called his dad.

My first husband has had quite a past. He became known at a young age as being one of the best fighters in his area. When he was in elementary school they would bring over high schoolers to fight with him and he would prevail.

This is not something he is proud of now that he has matured. So when I called him up and asked him to PLEASE teach his son how to defend himself, he refused. He said that there was no way he wanted his son to turn out like him and he wouldn't do it.

I tried to explain that our son was nothing like him. He was gentle, timid, and caring. I told him, "He could never be you!" The fear was too strong for him to overcome. He couldn't do it.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was feeling very confused, frantic, and excitable. I've been trying to make a big decision in my life and I've been so up in my mind that I felt like I was going to go crazy. I decided that I needed to sit down and meditate, to slow down my mind a little.

Instead I spontaneously went into an emotional healing session. The gist of it is that you sit in whatever emotion is coming up for you in the moment and you allow it to be...really feel it...dive into it. Once that emotion washes over you like a wave you will drop into another emotion and so on.

I believe there is no such thing as positive and negative emotions because they are all just emotions that are healthy to be expressed. For the sake of explaining this however I will use the terms negative and positive to help you understand.

You see as you go through the "negative" emotions you are only left with the "positive" emotions so in the end after going through confusion, frustration, anger, emptiness, loneliness, not good enough, I dropped into surrender, peace, love, and magnificence. This is the part of me that KNOWS, the part that is connected to the Universe.

As I work my way through the emotions I make note of any memories that come up and once I am connected to my knowing self I will go back into that memory and clear it out. It involves speaking to the person or people that may have wronged me and hearing what they have to say. There are many other techniques that help to clear out any stuck energies but you get the idea. Forgiveness is always the goal and is what allows the stuck memory to move out of your being and out of you cells.

A lot of times these memories will center around family members, mostly parents. As we all know that no matter how wonderful parents can be, they are human and they may not be able to give us everything we needed as children. That doesn't make them bad, only real life people with struggles of their own, trying to do their best and be their best.

In my memory yesterday an aspect of one of my parents came up for me. It is one part of who my parent is but it has had a tight grip on me for years. I've known that it has been holding me back but I just didn't know how to overcome it.

I realized that I was so afraid of becoming that one aspect of my parent that I was frozen. The amazing realization came up, "You could never be your parent. You can only be you." It's amazing how we can know things for other people but not see them for ourselves.

I have to tell you that as simple as that sounds, it was like being set free. I laughed, I cried, I repeated those words over and over again as if they were a foreign language I was just learning to decipher.

There has been a shift. I feel different. I feel as if the binding that has held me tight has dropped away and I am free to be me...whoever that may be. It definitely speaks to my word of the year, courage. Courage to put myself out there and know that I can only be me!